I'm Done.

During the summer, I was dreading to begin senior year. The thought of stepping foot inside Uni made me cringe, trying to brace myself for the oncoming stress of school, social life, sleep, and swimming. Now that I'm decently into senior year, I can assure you that I'm somewhat trying to cherish my last year with my friends and team. But recently, just like Kylie Jenner said once, I started to realize stuff that I didn't before.

To start off, I can't believe I'll be done with high school. It's so crazy that I'm already a senior when it felt like only yesterday that I was starting subbie year. The first day of senior year was such a weird day. I had practice in the morning like usual, but only this time my mom got up before me to wish me luck on my last day and give me an extra hug. I remember standing there hugging her back thinking "This is kinda weird mom stop getting so emotional.". Now it's five/six weeks into school and I'm the one asking for an extra hug saying "Oh my god mom, my last Charger Invite as a Uni High swimmer!!". Especially in swimming, it's now all about leaving "wisdom" or "something behind" to the team. I love my team but it feels uncomfortable to not have someone above me, telling me what to do or being a mom. I'm now a mom to so many on the team, which is a role I've come to embrace. I'm also a captain on the swim team (with Ellie A and Sarah <3) giving me responsibilities I never thought I would have. I find myself telling so many stories about past seasons with the team, reminiscing on weird traditions or awkward moments that my team can learn from or just laugh at. It's also sad to be done swimming at UIAC and Indian Acres even though I'm extremely relieved to have practice in a warm, indoor pool at a decent time of the day. Just like that, my career as a Uni High athlete is almost over when I never thought I'd have on in the first place.

One of the weirdest things to be done with is college searching/prep. Last year, I was one of three kids in the class to deal with recruiting, phone calls, endless emails, meetings, scholarships, ACT prep, swimming, and more along with plain ole' hard junior year. It was an enormous amount of pressure to be perfect in every aspect and I can't express enough just how relieved I am to be done with the process. Sometimes I can't believe how hard I worked and how much I accomplished last year thinking about everything that could've gone wrong. Before senior year even started, I had already committed to my dream school, ending all sorts of stupid ACT retakes, college searches, college visits, etc. It feels amazing to be done, especially now when everyone else in my class is faced with college pressure and I'm just sitting there relaxing. I'm not trying to brag in anyone's face that I'm already done and set to go, but I can't help myself to smile sometimes and dab when people are working on the SSO college homework or stressing about all the applications.

I miss my dad. That's another thing that feels weird this year. My dad moved for his job a few months ago to live in an apartment in Austin TX. My dad was the super smart guy in our house, he always knew what to do when I got an injury or didn't know how to do math homework. But now, I don't have that anymore. Not that my mom isn't super awesomely amazing, but my dad is just helpful in ways my mom isn't. Instead of real live conversations with him, we now rely on FaceTime and text to communicate. The worst thing is not seeing my dad up in the stands at swim meets, cheering me on and taking splits for each race. About a week ago, my dad FaceTimed me, excited to tell me he had found "the perfect house" to move to in Austin when I graduate from high school. I was excited until I looked over at my mom's face. Her face consisted of several expressions: relief, happiness, and grief. It's a weird mix of expressions, but my heart immediately sank and the corners of my mouth drooped. Moving to Austin, a hip and new place, is cool. But leaving our life behind here in CU was something I had totally disregarded. As cool as Austin is, it doesn't have my favorite study place, Pizza M, or the gross Urbana Library which I grew up walking to. Don't even get me started on the friendships I'd leave behind because, for right now, that's too painful to think about.

Senior year was supposed to be a year of joy and looking ahead to new things, but instead it's been burdened with all the things coming to a close. In a matter of a few months, I'll be done with my beloved swim team, with Uni, with the farmer's market, with Urbana, and with my childhood. To not be totally depressing and negative, I am looking forward to moving to Austin and starting a new chapter of life at Cal Berkeley. But for right now, the negative seems to outweigh the positive.